A school friend of mine once asked me: “Why are you always into books???? If you wont socialize with people, they will think that you have a lot of attitude.” .. I smiled and replied: “Because when one day I’ll need help, the same people will never come to my help and at the end of the day it’s me who has to help myself out of difficulties.”
Well, this may seem like having an attitude or annoyance towards the world. But NO! This is ME… The way I am. That very evening during my meditation hour I turned the pages of my past with an urge to seek an answer to the query my friend raised. Why don’t I socialize with people?? Why do I stay aloof??? Why am I always into books????
As a child the best memory I have about myself is a quiet, innocent child sitting in the corner of a classroom with her bag lying next to her and books in front of her and none by her side. Books were never a choice but I had no choice. More than my classmates I remember myself being better friends with my teachers. Either my teachers were Always friendly with me or it was naturally so, but I never had a feeling of fear when I’d communicate with my teachers or nuns at school. At home I remember myself as a kid always running for studies and as a kid sitting alone waiting for her daddy to return home.
Yes this loneliness troubled me many times. Coz whenever I’d fall I’d see faces with laughing eyes (including my so called best friends who would leave me alone and including the very guy who asked me the query Mentioned above). But there was not even a single hand to pick me up except for my teachers and my family or people who were lonely like me. The so called friends would communicate with me only because I was good in academics and could help in their scores.
One day while I was walking home I looked at the sky. I noticed the clouds were flying.. They were moving in the direction I was moving and I realized “I NEVER NEED ANYONE TO WALK WITH ME BECAUSE MY SKY WALKS WITH ME.”.. that was the day I never turned back. That was the day I never felt lonely. That was the day I stopped caring about those laughing eyes.
Countless yrs. Of being “I, ME & MYSELF” gave me the confidence, arrogance, boldness and needlessness that lurks in my nature today. I’m never scared to speak for myself; I’m never scared to rise for myself. I’m more than comfortable being “Me”. And because of the same reasons I never feel jealous or possessive about people near me. But this certainly troubles people now.
The same faces with the eyes that used to laugh turned into the faces with the eyes that covet me, appreciate me, praise me, or even follow me like slaves. The very eyes have fallen in love with me, fight over me, and want to spend time with me, solve the mystery of my mysterious nature. The very people who turned faces on my back are the ones trying to grab a glimpse of my attention. The very friends who used to leave me alone now want me to spend time with them. This makes me laugh a lot at times. Now I have more than half a planet as “FRIENDS” and I never really crave for them. Things have changed for me forever. The way I am now can never change for anyone. I rather spend time with people who have none else to spend time with… People who are complete strangers. Just People!!!!